What are you hiding? Yeah, you…don’t try and deny it. That is why you are here, isn’t it? You have a secret and like most humans, you probably have more than one. Anyhow, I’m glad you decided to stop by as it helps me feel less alone. You see I have secrets too. Lots of them, and I am here to remind you and myself that there is nothing wrong with having secrets. So, before we get into the nitty-gritty of the secrets we keep let’s discuss what a secret is.
The Hidden Secrets We Keep
What is a secret?
The definition of a secret according to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary is:
a: kept from knowledge or view: HIDDEN
b: marked by the habit of discretion: CLOSEMOUTHED
c: something kept hidden or unexplained: MYSTERY
d: something kept from the knowledge of others or shared only confidentially with a few
My personal opinion is that secrets help define us as individuals. They reflect who we truly are deep down inside. Secrets remind us that we are unique, cut from a different cloth. Special in our own way. What stands out most to me about secrets is that many of us are afraid of our secrets. We are afraid to expose our truest selves to others for fear of being judged. Heck, oftentimes we are afraid to acknowledge to ourselves who we truly are and so we keep secrets even from ourselves. We stash our secrets and desires so deep down within our souls to the point that we make ourselves sick.
We all have secrets
It may seem bold for me to bluntly state that we all have secrets. However, in my life experiences, I have learned that everyone keeps secrets. Everyone from the cute puppy that just chewed up your best pair of shoes to the 96-year-old grandma, who kissed the milkman about 70 years ago and promised herself to take that kiss to her grave (I bet you will never look at sweet grandmas the same). This, my darling, is what excites me about secrets, big or small, dirty or clean, we all have them and the fact that we keep them hidden makes them juicy. Now, I am here to help you accept that piece of yourself you have been trying to keep hidden.
Why do we keep secrets?
Each one of us keeps things hidden for his or her own reasons. It is almost impossible to list all the reasons why you or I would keep secrets from others. Therefore, I will discuss my top 5 reasons I believe we keep secrets.
- We are ashamed of what we desire to do or of what we may have already done.
- We do not want to hurt a significant other.
- We may not want to be considered strange.
- We may want to protect our reputation and our family’s reputation.
- We are afraid of being hurt if our secret is found out.
Let’s take a look at each reason listed with a little more detail.
We are ashamed of what we desire to do or what we may have already done.
Perhaps you find yourself thinking about your neighbor in that new bikini she told you she just bought. That is not so bad, except that now you want to see her in the bikini or better yet in the nude. You have always thought she is really sexy. So you started peeking at her from your bedroom window which is directly across from her bedroom window. Once you managed to see her undressing you touched yourself and every time you think about what you have done you feel ashamed.
You think to yourself, no one should ever find out about this. You are now in a panic every time you see your neighbor wondering if she knows about your “tiny dirty secret”. You are afraid that she will tell your partner and the entire neighborhood for that matter. Maybe you keep returning to the grocery store just to be rung up by the clerk in check out 3 because you think he’s cute and he laughs at your jokes.
You think to yourself this isn’t wrong until you start “forgetting” some groceries in order to return to the grocery store several times a day. Or you are late to make dinner for your family because you spent an extra hour at the grocery store waiting for your favorite check-out clerk to clock in because he was late for his shift.
We do not want to hurt a significant other.
Sometimes we believe our truths may hurt the ones we love so we keep them secret. You may feel it’s safer to keep things hidden because no matter how tiny your secret is, it can hit like a giant boulder. Like the fact that you always feed your partner’s famous casserole to the dog because you can’t stomach it. You have shared with a close relative that you let your partner believe that it has become your favorite, even though you hate it.
You now feel bad every time you are fed this casserole because you are holding a secret about it. Then there is that time that you masturbated thinking about your partner’s best friend, maybe once or twice. How could you share something like this with your partner knowing that she has been feeling a bit self-conscious since she gained a few pounds while her friend lost so much weight?
We may not want to be considered strange.
I like to believe our quirks define who we are as individuals. However, many are ashamed of those peculiarities that make them different. Because you are ashamed, you may choose to keep your quirks hidden from others. For instance, you may not want anyone to know that you still suck your thumb at the age of 35 when you are alone and feeling anxious. Just the thought of someone finding this out makes you worry.
Perhaps, hearing some theme songs give you a boner. You don’t think anyone would understand how hearing the theme of The Lion King can get you excited. In your mind, this all makes perfect sense as this is all attached to the affair you had with the cosplayer.
We may want to protect our reputation and our family’s reputation.
Often, we believe what we are keeping secret could be detrimental to ourselves and our families should someone find out. Your family may be depending on you as their leader. Therefore, sharing your secret with them may cause them to lose respect or faith in you. You may afraid of losing your family should they know your secret. For example, you may have had surgery for a back injury after a car accident.
Perhaps you have become addicted to pain killers that were given to you during your rehabilitation for that back injury. Two years have passed now since that injury and you just cannot stop taking those pills. How can you tell your family that you may have to take time from work to go to rehabilitation?
How will your family feel safe enough to trust you again? Then there may be that quick fling you had with your neighbor while your partner was away for the weekend. You are certain that your family will be devastated and never look at you the same should they find out about you and Ms. Sally.
We are afraid we may be hurt if our secret is found out.
No one enjoys feeling pain especially after pouring your heart out to someone you thought you could trust. This can make it difficult to share your secrets with others. There is always that fear that they will hurt you, make fun of you or expose your secret to others. Instead, you keep your secrets hidden tightly within you so that no one will hurt you. Therefore, telling your best friend about your foot fetish may not seem like a good option.
Especially, since you heard your friend talk negatively about fetishes. Now you are afraid that he may tease you should he learn that you love feet. You may not want to share about that time you were bullied at work for fear of being teased and called a wimp. Every time you think of sharing this secret, you stop and think how it may affect you and so you choose to keep it to yourself, once again.
How I deal with my secrets.
As a child, I was taught not to share myself or my thoughts with anyone. I was taught that girls should not behave a certain way, that we should not be sexual in nature. My mother always told me that it was wrong for a girl to express herself. Therefore, I have kept my truest self hidden from most people, especially from those I am close to. I believed I would not be loved if they found out who I am deep down inside.
In order to deal with my true self, I began to compartmentalize incredibly early in life. Most people I came across would see an innocent child with no understanding of how the world works. Little did they know that I experimented plenty in secret. I learned early to just behave as expected and give adults exactly what they wanted.
I have taken this behavior with me as an adult, and it is taxing. It takes a lot of energy to be who others want you to be. However, I have continued to do so because it has been easier than facing any of the reasons I previously listed here. I must admit I too was concerned with protecting my reputation, hurting my significant other, and just simply afraid of being labeled as strange.
We should not be afraid of the secrets we keep
Don’t be afraid of your secrets.
I realize I digressed a little. It’s just that writing this to you has made me so excited. However, what I feel is most important is that you are not afraid of your secrets. Remember, we all have secrets. It doesn’t matter what your secret is or how horrible you think it is, someone else has an even bigger or dirtier secret than you do. Therefore, do not be afraid of your secret. When you think of your secret remember that your secret helps define you as a person.
I remember years ago I was keeping what I thought to be the world’s most gruesome secret. I stopped talking to my friends because I was so afraid that they might find out and afraid of what they would think of me. I would constantly think about how wrong having my secret was. I was consumed by the thought of how terrible a person I was. Until one day I decided to go out with my friends again.
During that night out, I found out that I was not the only one with this secret. I was relieved to find out that I was not the only woman in the world cheating on her husband. Even, some of my dear friends were guilty of cheating on a spouse. For years I was afraid of my secret and I had let it devour me, unnecessarily. During that period I had become a shell of myself. Well, not anymore. I have chosen to no longer be afraid of my secrets and I encourage you to do the same. Don’t be afraid of your secrets.
Let’s get intimate.
My pen name is Mari Posa (mariposa), which means butterfly in Spanish because I am ready to shed this cocoon and share myself with the world. Lately, I’ve felt like I was shriveling away and I wanted to feel alive again. The thought of sharing myself with you invigorates me and gets my blood flowing once again. I hope this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship with all of you.
Hopefully, some of my words may inspire you to be a little more open even if just here on the world wide web. I understand that all our secrets cannot be shared with everyone in our lives and that is why I am here to share the secrets I cannot share with others openly.
What I have written here are just my personal thoughts about secrets as I am by no means a professional psychologist. However, I enjoy sharing topics that touch me deep inside and help me grow as an individual. I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments, and secrets. So please leave comments below.
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