What kind of person am I? How many secrets am I keeping? I’m sure we have all asked ourselves these questions quite a few times throughout our lives. I know I have. It’s what has kept me from posting any blogs recently. As a matter of fact, you wouldn’t believe how much difficulty I’ve been having in regard to writing lately.
Honestly, when I’ve thought about sharing my secrets lately, I can’t help but stop and wonder. Is this the right thing to do? Am I betraying my family and friends by opening up to the world instead of to them? Will someone who knows me find this blog and automatically guess it’s me? Why do good people keep secrets?
I wonder, how many of you struggle with this same dilemma regarding your secrets? If I go by my personal experience on this subject I’d say a lot of you. Since I am, by no means, an expert on this topic, I will not go into statistical data. I am going to write strictly based on personal experience and opinion.
Getting back to myself, the fear of possibly being found out has developed into some sort of writer’s block, limiting my creativity. I think the reason for the block is simply the dilemma between being authentic and true to myself vs being true to my family and friends.
Feelings of guilt
I decided to start this blog to have the opportunity to share my authentic self with others who may be going thru the same life experiences as I am. However, in the past few months, guilt started creeping up on me. Do you know that feeling of guilt that we all have when we haven’t been 100% open about something? It’s usually the most minimal thing too like googling nude pictures of your favorite actor or spending an extra $100 at the casino.
The overwhelming feeling of anxiety manages to keep us up at night filling us with fear that our partner will find out and view us as a liar. You see, the thing is that the guilt we let ourselves feel can turn us into our worst enemies. We start to view ourselves as deceitful and not trustworthy. In my case, it spirals into overthinking and then I begin to analyze my entire being.
I start wondering, what could be wrong with me? Am I a troubled individual? Why do good people keep secrets? Is life really just black or white? Are people just good or evil? Honest or dishonest? Is it due to my upbringing? Why is it that I begin to question who I am? I could fill this entire blog post with self-doubting questions. I won’t do that to you. Instead, I will share my views with just a few. Maybe it will help us learn a thing or two about ourselves.
What is wrong with me?
This is my go-to question. It’s the one that starts the entire sequence of introspection. Perhaps it’s a question you frequently ask yourself as well. However, it is also the simplest one to answer when you think about it.
Nothing!!!
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me or you for that matter. We are perfectly crafted and uniquely created beautiful individuals. The keyword is individuals (defined by Merriam-Webster as existing as a distinct entity: separate). We are all different, and unique in our own way. Therefore, my values and views will differ from yours and everyone else’s, including my family and friends. Yet it does not tell me why good people keep secrets.
Why do good people keep secrets?
Hmmmmm, this is a very good question. Having secrets does not make me or you an evil person. We all have our reasons for keeping secrets. The biggest reason I have secrets is that my view of the world differs from those closest to me. This is like a double-edged sword for me as I am a very open person and prefer sharing my true self with those around me.
However, I have realized that being open isn’t good for everyone. I have been judged when I have shared my personal views with family and friends in the past. Therefore, it became easier to simply not be as open.
There are various reasons why someone would keep secrets. In my opinion, the greatest reason for most individuals is shame and guilt. Most people do not want to experience any shame or guilt as a result of certain behavior therefore, they just keep that behavior secret. What is your reason?
Am I just a troubled individual?
The short answer is NO. However, I do ask myself this question when I spiral deep into the web of self-doubt. I wonder about this even after I realize that I am an individual with individual thoughts and desires. You are probably thinking why would any sane person ask themselves this question? It happens because my desires differ so much from the desires of those closest to me.
Most around me expect me to behave a certain way because of my age. I certainly do not agree with that. I view myself as a very sexy woman who enjoys carnal pleasures. In order not to disappoint others I keep my thoughts to myself.
Is life just black or white?
For a long time, I believed this to be true. I believed that life was either one way or another (black or white). That people were just good or bad. As I have grown older I realized this is so far from the truth. How could life be just black or white with everyone being an individual? In my opinion, that is pure nonsense. Life would be so boring if we could only pick from those two choices. However, at times I have allowed myself to fall into this way of thinking in my attempt to please those around me.
Is this self-doubting behavior a result of my upbringing?
Honestly, in my situation, I would have to say yes to this question. As a child, I was brought up to believe that anything of a sexual nature was sinful and evil which would result in me going to hell. I was not allowed to express my sexuality at all. To be honest, I would say I was always very sexual. However, I was taught to suppress that side of me as girls had no business expressing that sort of behavior.
Whenever a girl expressed her sexuality she was perceived as promiscuous. The fact that I still engaged in sexual exploration as a young child, despite what I was taught, led me to believe something was wrong with me. I learned early on in life that some things were better kept as secrets because good girls just don’t behave this way. Afterward, I’d wonder, why do good people keep secrets?
Why would I question who I am?
I realize that this self-analysis stems from questioning who I am versus who others perceive me as. One of my desires is to start a new chapter in life and just be true to myself. I simply want to live my best life. However, I realize that many may be disappointed in who I am versus who they perceive me to be. Which leads me to wonder, who am I really?
After reading this, you are probably thinking to yourself what does this have to do with tiny dirty secrets? My answer to that is everything! You see, I felt the desire to share this dilemma with all of you because I believe many of you may share the same dilemma. I am hoping that like myself, you find solace in doing at least one thing that you truly are passionate about. If you chose not to do that one thing at least read about it here in my blog. As for myself, I realized that most things I am passionate about are of a sexual nature.
Unfortunately, this is what separates me from family and friends as they seem to believe a woman my age should be a bit more prudish. I already spent most of my youth suppressing my desires. So now, I say fuck ‘em. I will continue to keep my secrets and they just won’t get to see this side of me. I will share this much more open and exciting side of myself with everyone else in the world even as I continue to wonder why good people keep secrets.
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